Thursday, August 30, 2007

Time Travel, Guilt-Ridden Thursday

I'm happily married with two kids, and sometimes, like today, I fantasize about what my life would have been like if I had married some of the other people I dated. I'm a hopeless romantic, who hopes for romance no matter what. Whether it's "smart" or not. And what is "smart" when dealing with romance, anyway? I mean clearly, there should be no abuse and it would be nice if both people were working and contributing both to the relationship and to society. But after that, I don't know that it's really possible to be smart about someone whom you love.

I know now that my husband and I happen to be deeply in love. This doesn't mean that he never does anything to irritate me, nor that I never irritate him. We've nearly divorced three or four times now, during the rough times. But I've discovered that at the core of my existence, there is this deep, basic (as in basal) love for my husband. But still, I daydream about being married to guys I used to date (those I felt deeply for, anyway): Lester Ford, Tim Fults, Danny Doneese. Yes-I am making these names up, but they represent real people who I don't want to hurt--or horrify.

I know life would probably be much the same as it is now. We would probably both work, we'd probably have kids. If I'd married Tim, as was my dream my senior year of high school, I may well have been a mousy, quiet, submissive, good little wife. The girl he married (we're good friends) is quite the opposite and they've been happily married almost as long as my husband and I. Tim ended up joining the military, and really, I doubt I could have lived like that. Don't get me wrong--those people sacrifice so much for our freedoms, and I appreciate and honor every single one of them. I just worry too much, and that's not what those guys need,.

Lester Ford really, really liked me. And he was SUCH an incredibly nice, cute, sweet, thoughtful, attentive (even though we were in high school and lived 70 miles apart), adorable, funny guy. The night we met, I walked into the retreat late, having had to play in the band at halftime at our football game. But when I walked in to campfire (literally, all the kids and staff at the retreat sitting around a fire in the rec hall fireplace, singing campfire songs), Lester stood up and motioned me over to sit by him. He introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Lester Ford--like the car." He told me I looked like Deborah VanValkenburgh, who played in Too Close for Comfort. If I remember right, we went for a walk after campfire (it was a Senior High kids' retreat, curfew was late). I know we walked down to the lake, and he kissed me. He was a good kisser, too! I remember that I couldn't believe that someone his age (he was all of two years older than me) could be interested in me. He would write me letters (we met at a fall church group retreat) and draw these incredibly beautiful, colorful pictures on the envelopes. Long, business-type envelopes with gorgeous drawings done in marker. He played guitar, and was very kind.

The trouble was, he was this wonderful, really wonderful guy. And sadly, really, REALLY sadly, I just didn't feel a whole lot of "spark" for him. Near the end of that school year, I was talking to my mom, telling her that he was great, fabulous, wonderful, and deserved better than a girl who didn't fall head over heels in love with him. She told me that if I felt that way, I really needed to let him know. So I did. And it was heart-wrenching, because I'm not kidding--he was a really wonderful guy and even though I didn't fall head-over-heels, I didn't want to hurt him.

At work the other day, three friends and I were talking. One of the friends has just started a relationship with a guy who adores her, after being burned by a two-or-three-or-four timer. She's amazed that this guy is absolutely besotted with her. My other friend said, "haven't you ever gone out with a guy who has a crush on you? It's fabulous!" It is fabulous. You feel like a queen. But because I'm me, I felt guilty that I wasn't feeling as much as he was, and I let him go. Sometimes, I wonder what it would've been like. Of course, he joined the military too. Maybe I chased guys there??

Danny was this annoying kid I met in the 6th grade. He played clarinet, like me. I thought he was weird. The only good thing about him (I thought then) was that he let me borrow his clarinet case to rest my bass clarinet on when I played it. We had a running joke--he let me borrow his case, and I told him I'd pay him the 2nd Tuesday of the week. In 8th grade, on a day when I was wearing my red/white/blue zip front sweater and standing by the big, putty-colored transformer box outside the middle school, Danny asked me to "go with him," which then meant to go steady. Of course, we didn't "go" many places, being in the 8th grade. He and I had every class together that year. He was my first (through 978th) French Kiss. The first kiss wasn't like that, but it soon developed into that. His family was very Baptist and very concerned about our relationship. They let us do things together (roller skating, birthday parties, one of us spending the day at the other's house occasionally), but on the last day of band camp, before the first day of 9th grade and high school, he broke up with me, saying that he still wanted to be friends. I was too shocked and hurt to respond properly (it really came out of nowhere, and I was way, WAY too clingy back then), so our friendship (which had developed in the 7th grade) never really righted itself.

I saw him at our 20th class reunion, with his pretty, sweet wife. Had I married him, I probably would have been very happy. But I'm also very happily married now, and I didn't have to join the Baptist church. :)

I guess it's okay to think, to dream, to make up "what-ifs." It bothers me that I do this, yet I haven't been able to quit it, nor have I ever cheated on my husband. So maybe it's a wash. At any rate, it gets me through days like today!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007






Tonight was instrument night at my son's school. We went, and as expected, he chose a clarinet. I'm honored...I played that for 12 years! But, like I said yesterday, it's Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants who should be honored...I think he's 9/10 of the reason Ben chose a clarinet!


The first class is tomorrow, and he's so excited. He opened the case about 50 times tonight, just to look at it. It's just a rental, but it makes him so happy! The program the school rents with is pretty cool; any and all rental money can go toward the purchase of a new instrument if/when he gets serious and decides this is for good. But, he can also change instruments if he wants, which is kind of nice, too. A clarinet and a saxophone are a lot alike, so he could change to that, or to drums, which I also think would be totally cool, or whatever. So it doesn't tie the parents into some huge expense they can't really afford, only to have El Kiddo quit 3 weeks into lessons.


I could swear this boy was just born yesterday...and already he's in fifth grade! How??

Monday, August 20, 2007

A Friend Lost, and a Squidward Wanna-Be

Today's post was a toss-up between faking something happy, or honestly writng something not so happy. Honesty won. It's really hard losing a friend. But I have lost one, apparently.

Weeks and weeks ago, after years of being Ruth's* friend, and after years of hearing her attitude and general outlook on life nose-dive to levels that, to me, were scary, I told Ruth that I cared a lot about her and wanted her to be well. I said that it might be a good idea to see her doctor about her depression and at least consider medication. I thought this was a good thing for me to do, because I'm her friend and I wanted to be honest. I thought I could do this, because she never hesitated to say what was on her mind about what I was doing, or about other friends or people in general. She openly criticized people all the time. And that was when she was doing well. But at this point, her e-mails were full of hate toward whoever she happened to be talking about. I prayed about it, because I didn't want to fly off the handle and be hurtful. And one day, I felt God telling me what to say to her.

The writing flowed out so easily I know I wasn't the only one involved-God was helping me know what to write. I sent it, and later that day, got a very short e-mail back, saying "Your concerns are noted!"

I didn't push it. I thanked her, and she continued to tell me about problems she was having with friends. I commented on it, and always got short e-mails; in one she even said she didn't care to discuss it (whatever we were talking about at the moment) anymore. But I hadn't brought it up-she had.

Then, I went to Las Vegas, the town where she lives, but with another friend because we had scheduled a girls get-away weekend months beforehand. I didn't tell Ruth I would be there, because I also have a relationship with the friend I took the trip with, and even though I agonized over whether to tell Ruth or not, I couldn't find a real way to do so. What could I have said..."Hi, my friend Amy* and I will be there, but we're going to try to check out all the casinos on the Strip (which, to my traveling companion literally meant walking through each one-not hanging out and gambling) and I know you hate casinos and hate the smoke. We're also going to hang out at the pool, which I know you hate as well. And we're going to be on Fremont Street, which scares the heck out of you. Wanna join us?"

See, I thought I was allowed to have more than one friend. I didn't realize I was supposed to check in with every one of my friends to make sure it was okay with them. But apparently I should have, becuase Ruth called while I was gone. My son answered the phone, and when Ruth asked if I was there, he said that no, I was coming home from Las Vegas. And I haven't heard word one from her since, despite a return phone call and several happy, here's-what's-new e-mails. I have a couple different friends who come to Phoenix for various things, and they don't call me every time they're here. I thought that was normal adult behavior-sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

So, anyway, I'm down one friend. She was in town this weekend, and of course I didn't hear from her. I'm sure I had to be punished for my trip, see. And that's okay, if if helps her feel better.

It's hard, but I'm still praying for her. Truthfully, I can't see what's going on in her world; it may be totally different from what I think. But it still sucks. I miss the happy her. And I hope she's okay.

On a happier note, tomorrow night is "Instrument Night" at my son's school, for the kids who want to be in the band. He's leaning heavily toward clarinet, like Squidward on Spongebob Squarepants. I'll let you know what kind of musician we have tomorrow!

*=not the real names.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Vacation Pictures!

At Long Last...some pictures from our Mexico trip!






Mayan Resorts-
Our first day, we went to Mayan Resorts. Sounds odd, I know. See, I (the wimp) was driving as we entered Mexico, and at the border a man waved me over to the side, so I assumed I had to stop. After his 5-minute spiel, I don't know what possessed us to actually give him $20 for all the free stuff he promised us--including our $20 returned to us. We arrived here at 9:30 in the morning, and left (finally! Four salesmen and women later!!) at 12:30, with our $20 and a free bottle of tequila. It wasn't that good, either. Total time-share sales pitch...if you go, you only have to stop at the border when you see a dude in a uniform with a Stop (Alto, in Mexico) sign.





CEDO
This is a museum we visited on our second day in Mexico. It was about 1/4 mile, tops, from the beach house we rented. That's me, in the pink (the big one in the pink). My hair was a mess all week with the humidity. Normally it's curly, but in Mexico, next to the ocean...it was REALLY curly!

We're standing in front of a Fin Whale skeleton. This whale, sadly, beached itself in Rocky Point in 1985.






Hermit Crabs-

One of the neat things about Rocky Point is that low tide and high tide are very different. Early (5:00) Tuesday morning, I went out to the living room to look at the ocean, and the water had receded probably 150 feet from where it had been the night before. I immediately remembered the tsunami in the Indian Ocean, and promptly woke up my husband to ask him if we should worry about this. We decided to go back to sleep, and it was a good thing. The water being back that far is normal for Rocky Point, and when it recedes, there are sand bars all over the place near the shore. This picture is of hermit crabs, which were plentiful around the sand bar in front of our house. They're really cool! They hide in the shells (the white, long one above was named Jenny by our kids) and scuttle around in the sand when they want to. You can pick them up and they'll peek at you, but I've never seen one come all the way out of the shell. We found and played with (and put back in the water) several over the week.







The Beach toward Old Town, from in front of our house.


















The cutest boy in the world, in the hole he dug.


















The cutest girl in the world, playing "Trouble" with wet hair.
















Parasailing--Aaaaaahhhhhh!
I can't wait to go again!!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

5 Things Meme

I totally and completely stole this from Lauren, because it's been a LOOOOOONNNNNNNNGG day and I needed an idea for a post.

Five things I was doing 10 years ago
1. Being a mom for the first time...our son was 2 months old!
2. Working at American Indian Art Magazine.
3. Freaking out about being a mom.
4. Watching WAY more TV than I do now (hey, you gotta do something at all those night time feedings.
5. Buying our first car with air bags.

Five things on my to-do list today
1. Go to church.
2. Plan and pre-cook dinners for the week.
3. Go to bed by 10:00 (oops!)
4. Set alarm for 6:00 a.m. (ugh! I'm SO not a morning person) to get the kids up and ready for their first day of school tomorrow.
5. Nap (I did, sort of, while watching "Spanglish."
Five snacks I enjoy
1. Cheese Sticks
2. Applesauce cups
3. Cookies
4. Wintergreen Lifesavers
5. Ice Cream

Five things I'd do if I were a millionaire
1. Pay off my house.
2. Pay off my parents house.
3. Go to either Mansfield, MO or DeSmet, SD to study Laura Ingalls Wilder in depth.
4. Pay off my cars.
5. Get my entire extended family together for a big, super-fun vacation.
]
Five things I'd never wear again
1. Bell Bottoms
2. Those see-thru, colored (mine was purple) raincoats of the 80's...so HOT!
3. My band jacket
4. My "senior key" necklace that I thought was so important to have.
5. Leg Warmers (at least I don't think I would).
Five favorite toys
1. Computer
2. iPod
3. My Kitchen Aid Mixer
4. Cell Phone
5. the TV in my room

Friday, August 10, 2007

We're Baaaaaaaaaack!

Hola! Como Estas!

A good time was had by all in Rocky Point.

BTW, a big THANK YOU (see--it's big!) goes to Kayelyn, who translated my "see you in a week" into Spanish. See the comments of the post before this for the correct lingo.

I learned a few things in Mexico. First, you don't have to pull over at the border at the first guy who waves you to the side of the road. Silly me, I was driving in a foreign country and thought I should do what he said, since I was at the border. Nope. He was selling time shares. But he didn't say that, he said there was a new hotel and they'd like to have people go see it and spread the word about it, so they were offering us a free breakfast, a bottle of tequila, and a sunset harbor cruise. Then, after his 5 minutes spiel, he says he needs $20 to guarantee we'll show up. We did show up, and it was indeed a lovely breakfast and a lovely resort. But it wasn't a hotel, it was one of several resorts run by Mayan Resorts, wherein you buy something that sounds remarkably like a time share. But they swear it's not one. Four hours later we left, having purchased NO timeshare, with a bottle of tequila and our $20 returned to us as promised, and only after having spoken to no less than four sales people. We didn't get the promised harbor cruise (surprise, surprise) because we didn't have a major credit card (we travel with our debit cards because we have one credit card that is empty and is STRICTLY for emergencies). This lovely company has "plants" all over Rocky Point, too; we were asked at least twice in old town Rocky Point the day we were there. They're friendly, they give you your money back, and we got the tequila (which is only okay, not fabulous, by the way).

Things improved a lot after that. We saw a marine museum with the enormous skeleton of a whale who sadly beached itself in Rocky Point in 1985. Right in front of our condo (100 yards, max) was The Ocean, or, rather; The Gulf of California. Whatever. It was awesome. We spent mucho time on the beach building castles and playing in the waves. On Wednesday we lost power for a little bit, so we decided it was the perfect time to go in to "Old Town" and do some shopping. We did that, and we also found a nice restaurant and bought our only meal out there. While we were there we also got a great recommendation for a place to go parasailing, so Thursday we went parasailing. When I say "we," I mean all of us--they actually let the kids go, and the kids wanted to go. It was awesome!! I would do it again in a heartbeat! We went in two tandem set-ups; Ben and I went first, then Tony and Julie. We ended up sitting, literally, in these harnesses so it felt very secure and safe. We also had life jackets on--serious ones! It was almost like when I fly in my dreams, except there was a 10-year old in front of me, smacking into me every now and again (it's harnesses strapped to a parachute, not a Cadillac). When we got off the boat afterward, we were walking to our car and saw dolphins in the harbor! I think there were two of them. They surfaced every once in awhile for at least 10 minutes, right in front of us. Well, we were on the shore, but still...very cool!

Every night I read my book, and we sat on the deck and watched the stars come out, and played games with the kids, and slept really, really well. The afternoons, from about 1:00 to 4:00, were really hot-over 100 degrees, with 100 percent humidity...ugh! I read a lot in the afternoons, and napped under the fantastic air conditioning vent that was directly over our bed. I got through my book 1.5 times...I love this story! It's just a romance novel, but it involves small towns and country music, too, and it's just happy and fun. It's one that I have kept for several years to re-read. It's called Small Town Girl, by LaVyrle Spencer. Totally dorky, but that's me!

I will hopefully have pictures to share in the near future. Right now they're all on my husband's laptop because we just got home today. Also, for you Good Mailers, I haven't forgotten you. I've just been busy prepping for the vaca and all.

It's good to be back!!

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Adios Para un week

Yeah...sorry. I don't know the Spanish word that equates to "week." We're almost all packed and it's only 10:15-ish the night before! A record, for us.

Take care, all, and have a fabulous week! I'll miss you!